Satire: The real reason the Pope is quitting - a disposable penis?

Tabatha Southey

Special to The Globe and Mail



There has been much speculation around Pope Benedict XVI’s resignation. For a week now, rumours have swirled on the Internet that the Pope is retiring within the Vatican City to avoid arrest in some kind of lawsuit. Then, Thursday, the Italian daily newspaper La Repubblica reported that the Pope decided to resign Dec. 17, the day he received the findings of a probe into the “Vatileaks” affair, including allegations of a network of gay priests and the blackmailers they’d attracted.
Meanwhile, it was disclosed that Pope Benedict has undergone heart surgery, providing a reasonable explanation for leaving any job – except the one of being God’s chosen representative on Earth.

The Pope cited his “incapacity to adequately fulfill the ministry entrusted to me” in “today’s world, subject to so many rapid changes.” This was the same week the producers of Maker’s Mark announced they were lowering the alcohol content of their bourbon: Here was the leader of the Catholic church bemoaning his inability to adapt to a changing world. Has everyone forgotten their brand? Since when did the Catholic church agonize over its inability to respond to change? Not responding to change is what the church does best.

But then, on the heels of the Pope’s announcement another story broke, almost as though he’d sought to get in front of it – a story I like to believe is more likely to explain his hasty retirement: A team of Japanese scientists has announced the discovery of a sea slug that has a disposable penis.

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